A Gritty New Year
Welcome back to Crunch Time where, especially in difficult times, we face conflict head-on.
My friend Jane called me after the shooting of Renee Nicole Good, a thirty-seven-year-old mother, at the hands of an ICE agent in Minneapolis. Jane felt alarmed by Trump’s America.
My friend is not alone. Garrett Graff, Professor at Georgetown University’s Master’s in Professional Studies Journalism, sums up our concerns: “A superpower is [dying by] suicide because the [Republican] Congress is too cowardly to stand up to the Mad King. This is one of the wildest moments in all of geopolitics ever.”
If you are losing sleep over the daily slush of gut-wrenching national news from Venezuela to Greenland, and then home to ICE’s advances into traditionally Blue cities, you have come to the right page. You may find clarity in facing conflict with a guided reflection. Even the aforementioned conflicts that loom large and beyond our control are grist for the Conflict Crunch mill.
Where do you start?
Be aware: because the words and images of the past several weeks are violent and at times horrific, a steady bleed of adrenalin may be thrumming through your bloodstream. You may find yourself short of breath, irritable, and weary.
Here’s a suggestion. Join me in finding the uses of adversity. We will answer the first three questions of the Conflict Crunch template to find out what you want, what you’re feeling, and what lessons you may embrace in this tumultuous time.
First, find paper and grab a pen. Let’s dive into Step One of the Conflict Crunch, Name It.
What is your conflict? State your conflict in terms of what you want, and what gets in your way.
I share the following by way of example. Like many of us, Jane had felt sickened by the current administration’s unprecedented and relentless violations of our democratic values. I asked her to write a statement on paper: What do you want right now, and what stands in your way? Jane wrote these words, I want to engage powerfully in our democracy, BUT I feel so traumatized that I cannot sleep.
Feel free to get creative with your own expression of conflict: I want _________ but, ___________.
Step One is as simple as that. You may find many conflicts vying for your attention. For now, find one worthy thing wanted, and write it. Then write what’s getting in your way.
Let’s move on to Step Two of the Conflict Crunch: Feel It.
You will write one word, such as dread, that expresses your feeling when you consider your dilemma. Choose the strongest emotion that you feel and write the word onto the page.
Put down your pen. Close your eyes. Breathe in. Can you feel that emotion’s tension in your body? If so, where? Let your mind travel to different parts of your body, and note the tension where it occurs.
On your out-breath, silently express compassion for yourself. Just a few words of encouragement, or something you would tell a close mate.
My buddy Jane told herself, “This won’t last forever. Be gentle with yourself today.”
Why focus on the body’s tension? Because instead of thinking emotion, you will spend a few seconds feeling emotion. What’s the advantage here? The practice of feeling the physical manifestations of your emotion gets you out of your mind’s reactivity and into a deeper connection with your intuition, what you may experience as your true self. Offer yourself encouragement with kind words. Stay with this practice until you feel a lightening of the tension.
You face your emotions to dignify your very legitimate response to traumatizing events.
Now consider all the people who are experiencing the same essential conflict. Breathe in, feel their pain, and breathe out a sense of healing for all of humanity.
Having respected your feelings as if they matter, you may become aware of your heart’s messaging. Having felt the pain of the world, you may see that you are not alone.
Please don’t jump to the conclusion that it is your sole job to rescue the world. To notice that others are suffering is helpful awareness. You may call on this compassion— suffering with in Latin—later.
There is an added advantage to practicing emotional awareness through the above breathing practice. Now when a friend confides in you, you may listen, unafraid of feeling the discomfort of intense emotion. When you breathe in your emotions in response to their pain, you are less apt to babble unsolicited advice, cutting through your friend’s tender moment of sharing. You are emotionally present!
As your heart softens, your mind becomes clearer. You are less likely to act out with aggression. Of course, reacting to your perceived foe with aggression and hatred diminishes your cause. As Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Let no man pull you low enough to hate him.”
It is time for Step Three, where you explore what you want in this moment of conflict, and you find meaning in what you resist. Embracing your conflict allows for acceptance, and with that you can move forward.
For Jane, writing about what she wanted from Step One—her urge to fight for democracy— felt like a breeze: “Of course I care about America’s democracy,” she wrote. “So much is at stake: fair elections, stability in our government, justice, gender fairness, climate responsibility . . . ” Jane felt buoyed by her own list. But what could be good about what she didn’t want—the second part of her statement in Step One? What was great about hopelessness? As she mulled, Jane realized that her negative emotions invited change. Instead of isolating and fighting alone, she would benefit from getting support from others. She wrote, “I hit a wall here. As a result of that, I’m ready to reach out to others for emotional and strategic support.”
Conflict Crunch Clincher:
Jane has contacted friends who are committed to taking a stand for a free America. She has taken the lead in convening a local and peaceful protest in late January.
I asked her, “How’s your sleep?”
She said, “I got ten hours last night. I’m getting good at staying with my emotions until they release. I use the emotional awareness exercise before my nightly mindfulness practice. I’m far less distracted now. I also feel less alone.
(Please note: you may return to your emotional awareness breathing practice at any time of day when you begin to experience fight/flight despair).
Then the conversation took a turn as Jane said, “You know I told you that I had plans to visit my daughter in Florida? She told me about her fiancé’s problems, and I just listened to her story. I sat there. I focused on my breath, and on the tension in my body. Then I named my emotion of fear. I literally felt pain. I wanted to tell her something to make her feel better (and to gallop through my discomfort) but I returned my attention to my bodily sensation of tension. I suffered with. I focused on my throat’s gripping, and I breathed out bright white light for both of us.
My daughter said, ‘Oh, Mom. I’m sorry. I’m burdening you with all of this.’ And I could honestly say to her, ‘I’m just sitting here feeling your very real pain. I’m not going anywhere.’ And I smiled at her. Instead of trying to fix things, I just listened. And she told me more. Then she told me what she had learned from her messy experience. I told her I was happy she was willing to learn from life. We decided to meet the next morning before my flight for a walk on the beach.”
Conflict Crunch Take-Away:
When you’re slammed with unwanted events, try reflecting with a pen and paper. Facing your conflicts head-on may pay off. Tough Love for the new year turns out to be quite gentle.
If you try these steps, please remember to write your answers.
It’s enormously helpful to commit your reflections on conflict to paper. There’s magic in the written word.
“Living a moral life in an age of bullies requires collective action; it cannot be done alone. Each of us must organize and participate in a vast network of moral resistance. From this solidarity we will grow stronger. This is what our current moment requires.”—Robert Reich, American professor, author, lawyer, and political commentator
Can we talk about your conflict and help you find some clarity? Please reply to this email with a conflict you’d like to address on our podcast, slated for the spring of 2026. And please share Crunch Time: Let’s Talk About Your Conflicts with anyone you know who is in the throes of conflict. In oher words, share it with everyone.